USS Socrates

At last! A truly new and innovative design by none other than my good friend Alcoholyak, er, Yakaholic. Yak design is not a simple matter and it takes a particularly dedicated, skilled and in this case, warped mind to come up with a truly innovative concept.

Compare to the fabled Mirage drive.

Let's first give the designer his due:

"Well, in the spirit of this hopelessly offtopic thread. I thought some comic relief was in order. Socrates seems like a nice enough guy to have a good sense of humor. After all if you can't have a little fun what good is life. Anyway, Quirkster brought up many good points. Just where is a pic of Soc's kayak? And the hat probable works fine cause the boat has a bimini. When he wasn't looking I got this pic. It is one heck of a fine looking boat too! If you look close you can see that it is foot powered." Yakaholic, 2006, unknown location just before last call...

Let's review the many and varied features of Big Y's design...

Basic Specs: 36 in x 36 in x 36 in (high) x 36 lb! Incredible!

Stability: now you'd think this is one of those high primary designs (like the Hobie). Boy, would you be wrong. This lil jewel does indeed have high primary, but its "butt-through" design allows the craft to rotate around you! You stay erect, and waves/chop literally roll under your rounded buttocks!

Feels great and unlike any other design, especially the Hobie, nearly unlimited secondary. Like a bobbing cork (left over from the designer's creative sessions) you'll survive any storm in comfort and style.

Propulsion: A literal step above even the Hobie and all those clunky prop drives - it's foot driven! And we all have feet don't we? Of course! Even the disabled, like Capn Jimbo, can paddle away with their hands. And the secret weapon?

Gas.

Just one can of B&M Baked Beans (bacon and maple syrup flavored if you please), hold the Beano, and you'll be ready to show your exposed behind to any lurking Hobieholics. If your burst of speed doesn't overwhelm em, your bean and maple-flavored exhaust will!

Speed: See above. The quadpowered (see below) Socrates has no equal, either in flexibility or raw output. Seriously.

Tracking and Turning: Unlike ordinary kayaks the Socrates does NOT require a rudder and messy cables. The human body and Quad Propulsion System (superior even to Penguins, Tuna and Wahoo) means you are in complete and unrelenting control of this unique design, trackin and turning at will. It's like riding a bike - it molds to your body, and before the thought barely escapes your consciouness, the mind-body connection has already achieved the desired change of direction.

Go backwards just as well as forward, spin in cirles, you name it. Unequalled!

Special Features: The Socrates' unique "Socrates' Sea Sun Shield" (say THAT, uh, six times fast) not only shields you from harmful and intense tropical sun (UV rating of 50), but retracts instantly and is self-storing, with the obvious advantages of being able to wear your Capn Jimbo Derby (included accessory) AND cast 'n fish at will. How flexible is that?

What appears to be a "steering wheel" is not - the Socrates' multifunctional "Posi-Control Unit" facilitates complete hull control and convenient "grab bar" in nasty weather. Flip the "turn signal" and it becomes an anchor release/retrieval mechanism. Simple, strong and durable.

Convenient bottle, er, cupholder and "dashboard" storage. Last, but FAR from least, gotta pee? No more frantic repositioning over elusive scuppers, just...

Go. And it's all by design. Yakaholic's.

Fishability: Screw the white bread, now we get to the meat of it. There is no better fishing craft on the market today. Here's why:

Forget drag - in the Socrates YOU are the drag. Wanta let em run? Just bend your knees and point your feet back. Wanta slow em down? Simple. Feet down or better yet, foward with the soles of feet creating incredible, fish slowing turbulence. Wanta turn em? Use just one foot! How simple yet effective, efficient and effortless.

Shallow water? Just stand up and walk. Even back to your car. Forget yak carts!

Construction: The Socrates is, of course, made of "Socrates Supertough Stuff" (an advance poly, patent pending). You can drag it, kick it, even chew on it - it just keeps on tickin. All moving parts include salt-resistant marine stainless. The convertible "Socrates Special Sun Shield" is made of a proprietary "Rip-n-Chew Stop" material and is practically indestructible.

Now please understand that, like the Hobie, the Socrates is a work in progress. Shit happens, no one expects you to get such a unique creation right the first, or even the tenth time. Like Hobie, you can count on the good and well-intended folks at Socrates to make things right.

And right, and right...

Style: Those who know me understand that I'm a form and function kinda guy who reveres creative design. Style is really of little interest. But when everything else is so well conceived and executed as Yakaholic's design, style comes into account. To say that the Socrates is both memorable AND attractive is an understatement. Even children will instantly recognize and be drawn to a kayak that you just can't forget.

Be the first on your block!

By now yer all wonderin - is the USS Socrates by Yakaholic the next Superyak? The Ultimate Superyak? In a word...

No.

But then again, neither is the Hobie...